Letter From The Other Side.

Written By Elizabeth. M.Thompson.
'Strewth' The bed is kapute.

Dear Del,

We have finished our short stint of helping our friends Sue and Ned with their holiday units.
While it was great fun at times I’d forgotten it is also very hard work. Some muscles I haven’t used for quite a while are still complaining.

As I said in my previous letter I will tell you about some people who booked for the romantic stays.

After the long holiday weekend we arrived to clean the three units. As it turned out, each one held its own story and in one case the neighbours supplied the answers to the mystery of a particular event.

The first unit must have been booked by people who fancied themselves as chefs. They left the evidence of their cooking for us to appreciate all over the kitchenette.
As soon as we opened the door we were assailed by the smell of garlic. I think they chomped on it raw and ate it with bread and butter or sprinkled it on their breakfasts as well as putting it through the lunches and dinners. The place reeked.
Sue opened every window, despite the cold after a heavy frost, and we left the doors open to allow as much of the smell out as we could induce to leave. The next guests were due to arrive later that day so we had to do what we could.
We sprayed air fresheners smelling of vanilla and went to work on cleaning the oily residues on the benches and the splattered stove.
Tomato paste was evident all over the work benches and a fine trail of red which looked like the droppings from a very ill bird trailed across the ceiling and dribbled down the walls. The chef’s apprentice had perhaps shaken an unsealed container vigorously.

Some of the cooking utensils were burnt beyond ever being used again plus there were three broken wine glasses in the rubbish, so Teddy and Ned went off to the store to buy replacements.

The kitchen was a shambles but after a good scrub, applied with plenty of exertion on our part; it was almost back to normal. We did our best but the colouring from the tomato paste mural could not be entirely removed as it had permeated the paint of the ceiling. Ned knew he would be repainting when he had the chance.

We moved onto the bedroom where there was nothing unusual but when we got out to the patio area we found where the glasses had been broken. The amount of wine consumed must have been generous because they had smashed the deck chairs and tried to hide the breakages by carefully folding them up to disguise the broken pieces.

More replacements were needed to be made and Sue noted the names of the occupants to remind herself to book them again, only if she and Ned were short of other less destructive guests.

We moved onto unit two. The smell which emanated from this one was an overpoweringly sweet and cloying perfume. She, or perhaps it was a he, must have used a bucketful of the stuff. There was more opening of windows and doors etc.
It appeared this couple hadn’t cooked at all; they must have eaten at the café’s and restaurants. We were relieved we didn’t have to clean another kitchen like the previous one.
The spa, bathroom and bedroom were an entirely different matter. It was from here that the perfume which could have doubled as a sinus clearing medication, emanated. The steam from the spa had carried the oil and deposited it onto the walls where long lines of condensate were only just drying.

The spa itself was as greasy as a cooking pan after grandma’s Sunday roast. In fact it must have been quite an effort to stand up without slipping over and cracking their skulls on the edges. Oily footprints marked their progress across the floors.
The bedclothes were on the floor beside where the bed had been and were covered in large patches of oil. Sue despaired of how long it would take to soak and wash the smell and stain out of the sheets. A couple of days on a line out in the sun and a stiff wind would be necessary.

I said the bedclothes were beside where the bed had been because the bed was no longer in tact, it was absolutely kaput!

We pondered on what had happened for a while and let our imaginations go a little wild but eventually came to the conclusion the man must have been very amorous and well built and had perhaps in his excitement, taken a running leap at the occupant of the bed.
Upon impact the bed disintegrated. The ends were off, the wooden slats were scattered on the floor and the mattress lay at a drunken angle on top of everything. Goodness knows what happened to the occupant or if she was at that moment recovering in a hospital bed contemplating her relationship.
Ned and Teddy surveyed the scene, their faces mirroring a large variety of emotions. Ned is a tall lean man with a constant spark of mischief in his eyes. I would have liked to have heard what the men said when we women were out of earshot.

Ned scratched his head and said ‘STREWTH’, an old colloquial Australian word I hadn’t heard for a couple of decades and I would think not used in the skyscraper boardrooms of today by the present generation over their lattes and short blacks. However it summed up everyone’s emotions very well.

Gradually the men got the bed mended. Using electric drills they made numerous holes in the metal frame the sturdy slats normally rest on and screwed heavy duty steel bolts into each one, defying any person to break it again.
We cleaned as best we could and Sue made another note to herself to have the carpet cleaned. We giggled like kids as we shared the pictures our imaginations kept forming.

Sue didn’t have to make a note of their names as she thought they would most likely be too embarrassed to return.


Unit three held a very different story. This had not been a romantic stay.
The first obvious indication of this was the gaping hole in the large bedroom window.
There was very little glass inside, most of it was outside. We assumed they must have smashed it with something.
We cleaned the unit, which had been left with the exception of the window, in quite a neat state. In fact it gave little evidence of people having been in the place. The towels were damp. Obviously they had used the facilities.

Not much cooking had been done although the breakfast cereals and toast had been eaten and the dirty dishes left in the sink.
We couldn’t find any missing plates or pots as we tried to work out how the window was broken.
The gentleman who lives in the house next door to the units solved the mystery of the broken window for us.
‘G’day Ned.’ he called from the door as we were all standing about trying to sort out who to call to replace the glass. ‘Glad that lot left early.’ The neighbour drawled. He is one of those laconic farmers who come down to the coast to retire.
‘Yeah Bob, what’s been going on here can you tell us?’ Ned enquired.
‘They had a ding-dong argument last night.’
‘Must have been a good one. Did she throw something at him?’
‘Nah… He threw something……. He chucked her through the window!’ He flung his arms demonstrating dramatically.

That couple were instantly put on Ned and Sue’s Black List and Teddy and I felt relieved we no longer owned our B.& B’s.
Clearing up after a domestic fight can be very unsettling both to the owners and the other guests.


As I said Del, owning premises such as hotels, holiday units and guest houses, gives you an appreciation of the amount of forensic evidence which can be left behind and the small vignettes of our lives we all leave for others to see or work out.
Teddy and I are very aware and make sure we leave as little as possible.

Next time I write, I’ll tell you about three different attempts Teddy and I have made to enjoy a romantic weekend including one particularly unforgettable one in France.

Teddy has just arrived home. He went down to fill the car with petrol and check the tyres etc. His mind must be whirring away on other things because he found out when he arrived at the petrol station he was in the wrong car………. He has just left in the right one.
I think I’ll enjoy a cup of tea in the garden, there are some days he isn’t very good for my blood pressure.
Love from your ‘flower child friend’
Cynthia.